


You Found Me Broken

by KanoKitty



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Diary/Journal, Drinking, F/M, Falling In Love, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, Loneliness, M/M, References to Depression, Sad, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22532497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KanoKitty/pseuds/KanoKitty
Summary: This is a story about Joseph's suicidal attempts. The feelings he feels deep down inside. Joseph is a coward, but he's determined to find a way to make himself forget about Sebastian.Sebastian Castellanos is married. He's married to Myra and they have a daughter. Joseph Oda is alone. His feelings for Sebastian drive him insane, to a point where he doesn't know what to do. He feels that whenever he sees Sebastian smile to the thought of Myra, he'll just jump. Or step in front of the subway.Joseph Oda is in love with his best friend, but he's suicidal to a point where he might be hopeless.
Relationships: Sebastian Castellanos/Joseph Oda
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy~   
> I hope you enjoy the prologue.. heh, I'm a prologue writer, but this one's important!!

How many times have I told you that you I love you?   
How many times have I believed that you were actually busy?  
How many times have we lied to each other?

Do you trust me?   
Do you believe in me, like I believe in you?  
Do we need time? 

What about late night texts?  
What about the nights we’d stay up late talking to each other?  
What happened to those days?

Why did I have to leave?  
Why do I have to be broken?   
Why am I so complicated? 

If I were to come home, would you still love me the way you do now?  
If we were to fight, would you come back to me?  
If I say I genuinely care for you, would you say it back, or would you run?

Where did I go wrong?   
Where have I messed up?  
Where can I fix myself to be who I was before?

Can I see you again?  
Can our forever never end?  
Can you promise that you’ll be there whenever I’m not okay?

When can I see you?  
When will you come back to me?  
When can I go home to you?

Or have you forgotten me?  
Or have I given up on you?  
Or will this be our limited forever?

Too many times have you told me ‘I love you’.   
Too many times to count.   
I hope none, if there was, then I’m sorry. 

I trust you.   
Yes, I believe in you.   
I hope not. 

We’ll have those late nights texts again.   
We’ll have those nights up late talking.   
Those days aren’t gone, they’re just far away. 

You had to protect yourself.   
You are not broken, just alone.   
You aren’t complicated, just sad. 

I would still love you no matter if you came home or not.  
I would always come back to you.   
I couldn’t help but say it back to you. 

You didn’t go wrong.   
Don’t believe that you messed up.   
In yourself, it’s not those who surround you. 

Of course you can see me again.   
Our forever will never end, no matter what.   
I promise to be there whenever you’re not okay. 

It’s gonna be a while, but you’ll see me.   
I hope to come back to you soon.   
You can come home whenever you want to. 

I can never forget about you.   
If you’ve given up on me, I’ll still be there one way or another.   
Limited forever ends, but ours will never.


	2. Bring You Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now Chapter 1.. It's confusing I know.. Sorry for that... :3 Enjoy!

I’m tired. Not just tired, but I’m emotionally drained. I ache all over. My mind hurts and my throat is tight.   
I feel if I speak, words won’t come, but the tears will fall.   
I feel my hands shake whenever I feel my head heavy. And that’s all the time.   
I’m so close to the edge, that I wish I had the guts to just fall. Close my eyes and feel the wind on my face.   
I’m so close to the track that I could wish I was pushed in front of the train, even by accident.   
I’m not meant for this cruel world.   
This heartless, dark, cruel and painful world.   
Every morning I have a choice. Get out of bed, or stay there and usually I just wanna stay there. I wanna sleep all day, and all not and not wake up.   
Is that sad?   
I push myself to smile half the time. If I don’t want to, but I want to show that I’m ‘okay’, I’ll force my own happiness.   
It’s what I’ve learnt to do over the years. The many, long sad years of my life.   
I don’t know what it is that give me these ideas, but something inside me is gutting me. Giving me tightness in my chest, to tightness in my throat.   
Most of the time I wish I could lay down and just cry until I can’t anymore. Cry myself to sleep, cradling myself since no one will. I don’t want to admit it, but I’m scared.   
I’m alone.   
I’m worried.   
I’m tempted.   
I’ve never been so tempted in my life, but everytime… I see his smile, I see him leave… My heart is crushed. He’s so happy, and I believe that he’s better without me, but I’m not better without him.   
I look out the window at home, and watch the snow fall, and remember everything we’ve been through, and wonder if he just sits and remembers also.   
I know I’m not the only one he ‘loves’, but I can’t help but want to be the only one in her life that he loves.   
He doesn’t know how much I actually love him. How much I actually care for him.   
I’ve almost given up. What’s the point of still fighting when you know you won’t win?   
I sit at the desk, and glance to my phone to see if he’s even texted me, but there’s nothing. Am I paranoid? Am I too persistent?   
I walk home, wanting him to come up behind me and walk home with me, but that never happens. I don’t think it’ll ever happen.   
I have insomnia most of these nights. I can’t sleep because I keep thinking what his life would be like if I was never there. What would happen if I really was never born? Nothing would change. He’d stay as happy as he is now with Myra. I would just never exist. I wouldn’t have to suffer everyday. Wanting to stand up and leave. Take my gun and press it against my head.   
The urges are getting too strong, and I don’t know how I’m going to stop it.   
I wish… Myra never met him. That’s harsh to say, but it’s one of my deepest desires, to wake up one morning and Myra have never existed. I’m desperate. But not enough to kill her.   
I just want to walk inside the station and smile at him. A genuine smile. I want to sit and do my work, with him coming to me and talking to me for the heck of it.   
I’m alone, I get that, but I can’t find a way around my sadness. My sadness wants to take over, wants me to give strength and just close my eyes and fall.   
I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want to suffer anymore. My heart has been hit with too much that my body wants it to just give out.   
Is this really what I want? Is this what I want my life to turn out like? 

I jumped slightly when another file hit my desk. I zoned out, and looked to the file already in front of me. I had started to cry on the paper; I quickly wiped my eyes. I looked up to see Kidman standing in front of me, her arms crossed.   
“Are you okay?” She asked slowly. I looked at her and forced one of my smiles.   
“I’m fine~ I guess you could say my eyes are tired.” I said, taking my glasses off and rubbing my eyes.   
“Really? Because it didn’t look like you were just tired, Joseph.” She said, sitting on the edge of the desk. I paused before putting my glasses back on.   
“I’m fine, Juli, really. I’m just tired.” I stated. She looked at me with a worried expression on her face.   
“Okay…” She patted my shoulder.   
“Read over the file, you might want it read before either of us are sent out to deal with it.” She stated before walking back to her desk. I nodded before taking the file and pausing.   
The old file had stained tear marks and I regretted thinking as a person in general.


	3. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Chapter 2 of the story. It gets a little deep here.

After Kidman gave me the file, I read through it. She ended up going, while I continued to sort things over the Station’s file system on the computer. I saw Myra go into Sebastian’s office so many times, and whenever I did, I squeezed my eyes shut until when I opened them it was like I stared at the sun.   
I was there later than usual, it’s not like I have anyone to go home to. It was the end of the day though, Myra left early to get Lily from school, while Sebastian stayed back to finish up what he needed to do.   
I decided to just stay at the station until I wanted to close up. I ended up falling back into my dark state, wondering if life was better, if people were happier, if I never lived. They’ll get over my death anyways, everyone gets over things.   
I was drawing circles on one of the pages in my notebook, blanking on what I was supposed to do.   
“Joseph.” I jumped and looked up. I saw Sebastian standing in front of my desk and I couldn’t help but smile at him. How weak am I…?  
“How late are you staying?” He asked me. I looked to the clock on the computer.   
I saw it was 11:45 pm, and sighed slightly.   
“I guess not much longer than this,” I looked at him. “Are you leaving?” He nodded to me.   
“Myra’s waiting, and Lily’s already in bed.” He stated. I slowly lost my real smile, but forced a fake one and nodded.   
“Have a good night then~” I looked back to the paper and saw the circles before sighing and closing the book.   
Sebastian stayed at my desk and looked at me.   
“Kidman said that you were acting out of the ordinary today…” I looked up at him and shook my head.   
“I’m just a little tired. I haven’t been getting sleep recently. I’m just feeling tired, that’s all.” I stated, smiling again. Sebastian nodded to me slowly.   
“Okay… good night Joseph. Get some sleep tonight.” he said, before leaving the station. I lost my smile completely.   
“Night…” I muttered, looking at the doors. I sighed heavily and looked to the screen of the computer. Usual files sorted from last name alphabetical. I took my glasses off and rubbed my face. I left my hands there before sighing heavily. My heart honestly was aching.   
I took my hands off my face and looked at the small black notebook. Where I keep everything that I feel. I flipped through the pages and landed on a full one. Ever since I met Sebastian I’ve put small jotted notes on this page about what I feel. It all went from being in love, to feeling hurt. Many of the words were smudged; I’m not stating that I’m always crying, but recently it’s felt like I’ve been crying more than I have been laughing. It’s kinda my new form of living…   
I flipped to an empty page and wrote something out. I felt so hurt that my heart was to rip out. I honestly don’t know if it’s just the fact of Sebastian and Myra, or there is something wrong with me. Something worse than what I’m already feeling.   
I wrote for an hour, almost filling three pages, back and front. I had to stop multiple times to try not to cry, but it barely worked. I wrote that I wasn’t okay.   
“One of these days you’ll understand…” I muttered. I looked to the clock, and it was almost 1.   
I sighed and closed the book. I put it in my bag that I bring along with me, before turning the computer off. I turned everything off, lights and other computers before leaving, locking the door behind me.   
I went to my care and got in. I drove straight home, and once I got there I didn’t even have an appetite to eat anything. I went to the couch and laid face first on it and sighed. I lifted my head and took my glasses off before shoving my face back into the cushion. I sighed before sitting up.   
I made myself a coffee before I headed upstairs to my room. Going in, I felt the urge to lock it behind me, but I didn’t. I put my cup on the nightstand and changed into a blue t-shirt and grey pants.   
I got into bed and made myself comfortable before looking at the ceiling. The night stand lamp was still on, so I had a bit of light. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. I pictured Sebastian.   
What would happen to him if Myra never lived…? If she didn’t exist? Would he fall for someone like Kidman, or would he… be like me? If he didn’t get with her but stayed single?   
I opened my eyes and sighed.   
“What would happen if he loses her…? Would he… Become depressed? Desperate?” I asked slowly. I shook my head slightly before taking my glasses off. I set them on the table before turning the light off.   
I rolled to my side and sub-consciously hugged the pillow. I clutched it to my chest, like I never have before.   
It took me so long to actually fall asleep. I saw 4, but I had to be up by 6.  
Sleeping through your alarm isn’t the best thing. I was woken by a call from my cell. It was 10am, and I wasn’t even in work yet. I swear my ass is gonna get fired. I sat up and put my glasses on before looking at the contacts..   
“Kidman…” I muttered. “Too ‘busy’ to call yourself huh?” I said slowly, before answering the phone.   
“Joseph-”  
“Don’t start, I know… I slept in, but I’ll be there soon. Let him know that, okay?” Kidman was silent for a minute before she answered.   
“Okay, I will. But you better get here quickly, I don’t know what’s going to happen.” She stated.   
“It’s unlikely that I’ll lose my job. Seb knows better than to fire me.” I said softly.   
“Yeah… Be here soon okay? It’s important to set-”  
“A good example. Yes, I know. Bye Kidman.” I hung up before sighing. I laid back in my bed and closed my eyes.   
“Great…” I sighed and kept my eyes closed for a little before I decided to get up. I got dressed in my usual, and made sure I had everything for the day. I grabbed a coffee, my keys and left the house. 

When I got to the station, it was already pretty busy. I sighed heavily and pushed my glasses up before walking to my desk. Kidman was already at her desk, writing out a report. I sat down at my desk, and took out the black notebook and set it to the side.   
“Joseph.” She said. I looked to her and nodded.   
“Yeah?”   
“After I told him… He wanted to talk to you.” I sighed and looked at my desk.   
“Okay…” I stood again, leaving the notebook on the table before going to Sebastian’s office door. I honestly really didn’t want to go in. There’s a chance Myra’s in there, and a chance that she’s not.   
I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.   
“Enter.” I heard from him. I sighed heavily before going in, closing the door behind me.   
“Joseph…” He started, standing from his seat.   
“I don’t need a standing ovation when I come in you know~” I said, smiling the best I could. Sebastian rolled his eyes before gesturing to the seat in front of him.   
“Sit. I need to talk to you.” He stated. I nodded before sitting in the seat across from him as he sat himself.   
“You’ve been acting strange… Are you okay?” He started. I looked at him carefully. I was desperate to tell him how I felt, but I couldn’t risk it, not yet, and most definitely not to him.   
“I just haven't been… feeling well~ Or getting much sleep… No need to worry about me, Seb. You have bigger things to worry about.” I said, standing.   
“I can’t do anything unless I have my partner. And if my partner isn't doing well, I wanna do the best I can to help.” I paused and stared at his desk.   
“I don’t think… it’s something you can help with.. Sebastian..” I muttered, before looking to him. He looked genuinely worried, but how can I ever tell if he really cares or not?  
I went to leave the room before he stood again.   
“What is it, Joseph?” I stayed still before I went to the door.   
“Like I said before,” I glanced to him. “I don’t think it’s something you can help me with.” I stated, before leaving his office.   
I closed the door behind me, and felt my eyes swell with tears. I urged myself not to cry, so I left the station and just sat outside. 

I sat outside, watching people walk by, cars drive by, officers come and go. I’m just glad no one bothered me. The tears rolled down my cheeks, but I tried so hard not to. I swallowed hard and took my glasses off. I set them to the side before putting my face in my hands.   
I quietly started to sob. I shouldn’t have come in today…  
Minutes passed… Maybe an hour or so before someone came out. They sat beside me and I took a small glance to who it was.   
It wasn’t Kidman. It wasn’t Sebastian. But it was Myra. I almost instantly put my face back into my hands and took a slow breath.   
“Don’t you have work to do?” I asked slowly.   
“I do… But I’ve never seen Sebastian so worked up about a comrade.” She said slowly. I slowly took my hands off my face and stared blankly at the pavement.   
“Joseph… If there’s something you need, something to get off your back, you can go to whoever you feel will listen…”   
“You don’t… understand though… No one understands… Even if I tried to explain, no one will understand, or agree.” I said, before wiping my eyes and putting my glasses on.  
She frowned and looked at me.   
“You can’t keep everything to yourself. It’s unhealthy, and sometimes telling someone can help you more than you think. Just… Think about who your trust most, and maybe get them to listen.” She said. She gently rubbed my back before going inside.   
I took a deep breath.   
“But what if that person is the man your married to…?”


	4. To Build A Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3.   
> (Have you noticed? The chapter titles are songs...~)

After Myra talked to me, I calmed myself down and went back into the station. Kidman didn’t ask why I left, in fact she didn’t really talk to me unless it was work related. I didn’t see Myra again, she was probably talking to Sebastian, and Sebastian… I didn’t see him again, not all day.   
I didn’t go straight home, I didn’t feel like I needed to. I just needed to stop for a minute. Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop loving. So I went out of town a bit and parked on the side of the road just to feel wind against my face.   
I took my glasses off and took a deep breath. Closing my eyes, the wind was genuinely something I don’t get to feel anymore. City wind is disturbing, but country wind is something beautiful. It shows that there’s still life beyond cities of pollution. That wild animals are still around.   
Birds chirped, not pigeons. And that was all you heard. Birds. You didn’t hear cars rushing past you, or horns honking. You didn’t hear sirens, or people yelling at each other.   
This is what life should be like. Of course, I grew up in the city, and I never really got to appreciate this, but if I lived in the country, maybe I wouldn’t be the way I am now. I’d be different.   
I felt… At ease for once.   
I don’t remember how long I stayed there, but it got dark and I remember the sound of the crickets and frogs from far away. Once I got home though, I felt like I could actually get a good night sleep.   
And you know what? I did. 

I woke up in a fairly good mood, and I hoped the highest that it would last longer than it usually does, but I doubt it.   
I got out of bed and got dressed before taking my keys and leaving. My usual schedule. Once I got to the station, it wasn’t as busy as yesterday, which was good. I sat at my desk and, of course, Kidman came over.   
“Joseph, are you sure your okay?” She asked. I sighed softly and looked at her with a nod.   
“I’m sure~ I was just… having a few bad days… Everyone does.” I stated. She looked at me worriedly, before nodding.   
“Okay… I mean if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here~” I nodded to her as she sat at her desk. I took a soft breath and pulled out everything I needed for my day.   
Working the usual hours, around noon, Sebastian took Kidman on a case instead of me. I wasn’t very pleased with that, and… I let it ruin my mood. I am his partner. If he plans on changing it up, I’ll leave. Not just being his partner, I’d leave the job. I’d quit. I know it’s a lot, but maybe the realization from last night was enough to send me over.   
Sebastian probably would be better off without me here, so why was I even staying? The two of them returned around 5, but I kept my head down, doing the “work” I was assigned.   
Around the end of the day, I was going to stay late, but Kidman convinced me to go with her to go “drinking”. Of course I wouldn’t do any drinking, I’d probably have to be her drive home.   
I started to pack up everything while she waited outside for me.   
“Joseph.” I looked up from my desk and saw Sebastian and sighed slightly.   
“Yes?” I asked slightly.   
He sighed and leaned against my desk.   
“You’re irritated with me, aren’t you?” He asked slowly. I froze. I’m not irritated with him, no… that’s not it at all.  
I looked at him.   
“I’m not irritated at you,” I pushed my glasses up. “Why would you think that?” I asked slowly.   
“I took Kidman instead of you on the case. You should… at least know that I took her to see what she can do on her own.” He stated. I stared at him, and nodded slightly.   
“I know.” I put my little black notebook in my bag and turned my computer off.   
“Joseph, can you stop running from me for a minute and listen?” He stated. I looked at him before slightly shaking my head.   
“I can’t. Kidman… She’s waiting for me, she invited me out and I’m going. If you want to talk to me, talk to me when I’m on hours. Not off.” I put my bag over my shoulder before leaving.   
I heard him huff and I felt bad for just leaving him there.   
Kidman honked her horn when she saw me and it gave me a small startle before I walked over. I got in on the passenger side.   
“Are you sure you want to come?” She asked.   
“I just need to leave the station and not think about work. If I do that, I should be okay.” I looked to her and nodded. “I want to.”   
She was still worried about me, and I could tell by the way she talked to me.   
“Okay…” She started the car and drove to a bar. 

After a while I learnt that she wasn’t having anyone coming, and it was seriously just Kidman and I.   
She held a shot glass with whiskey in it, reminding me of Sebastian. She ordered me a beer, even though I don’t drink very often. I couldn’t even take sips of it.   
We stayed in silence for a while, overhearing drunk people talk nothing but nonsense. Hearing the music play from the jukebox.   
She never said she wanted to talk, but when she asked me the first question, I was sure why.   
“Joseph… Are you depressed…?” I stared at the bottle in my hand. I don’t know if I should tell her, but I think it was clear when I finally took a drink of it.   
“It’s silly to ask… But why…?” She looked at me. “You have… So much-”  
“Yet so little…” She paused and looked at me.   
“So little?” I looked to her and nodded before taking another drink.   
“You keep asking if I’m okay, and I keep replying with a simple, ‘yes’. I try to get out of the station as fast as I can, but the worst days, I stay until I’m the only one in there and close. I… Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I won’t sleep otherwise. I close my eyes and think things that… the brain shouldn’t even think of in the first place. The brain is used to hold valuable information, and to keep growing. But all mine does is hold dark thoughts or what people would be like if you never even existed…” I said slowly. She continued to stare at me.   
“Joseph… Have you told anyone about this…?” She asked. “There’s people out there-”   
“To help?” I lightly shook my head. “Everything they do doesn’t help. The things they say, the pills they give you. It doesn’t help, it never does. It may just make you think better of yourself but when can someone listen and actually understand? And know what you feel inside…?” I stared at the bottle before glancing to her.   
“To answer your question… Yes, I’m depressed…”   
Kidman stayed silent for a good few minutes.   
“Why…? What makes you depressed?” She asked. It hit me like a brick, the question of not who, but why.   
I closed my eyes and I saw the only thing that makes me feel like this. Him with her. Sebastian and Myra Castellanos. Imagining a life with him would be completely impossible. Through my mind, flashes of him happy… Of his smile when he cracks a case. The smile he gives Myra, wishing he’d smile at me like that.   
“Joseph…?”  
I took a heavy breath and opened my eyes.   
“Have you ever been in love, Juli?” I asked, looking to her. She was slightly shocked that I called her by her first name, but nodded slowly.   
“I have…”   
I nodded.   
“How’d it turn out?” I asked.   
She looked at her shot glass.   
“Not very well…” She said, before taking her shot. I nodded slowly and looked back to the bottle.   
“I’m in love… But to some people it would be, horrible for me and I’d… be kicked out. To others they’d think it’s perfect, that it should be legal everywhere.” She looked at me, confused.   
“Being in love isn’t fun… especially if they’re already married and happy with who they are…” I said slowly, taking a drink of the beer in my hand.   
She stared.   
“Myra…?” I closed my eyes and shook my head.   
“I’m gay, Kidman… I’m not the straight guy that falls for every married woman.”   
“Sebastian…” I swallowed hard to the name. I froze as almost instant tears started to swell in my eyes.   
I closed my eyes and took a drink of the beer.   
“Sebastian’s making you depressed?” She muttered.   
“Don’t you hate your heart sometimes? It just picks the wrong people at the best of times…” I said harshly, before taking another drink. I wiped my face and stared at the table.   
“Love doesn’t make you depressed-”  
“When they’re married with a child it does. It crushes your heart everytime you think they’re genuinely going to think about you, but end up thinking of his wife and daughter. You think he’s going to bring you into his office and talk to you about something but that something turns out to be about his wife's birthday, or their anniversary. You want to be the person he smiles so contently at. You want to be the one he talks to all the time, but seeing him with her,” My voice cracked and I stopped there. I stared at the bottle as tears went down my cheeks.   
Kidman didn’t say a thing.   
“I’m so sorry Joseph…” She said slowly. I felt like if I talked, I’d only sob. I took a glance to her. She stood and hugged me.   
“I didn’t know you were going through something like this…” She said slowly. I stared at the bottle more before my eyes swelled and I hugged her back. I wasn’t hiding anymore, and if I was, I was doing a poor job of it.


	5. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4

Kidman and I didn’t stay much longer at the bar, in fact she took me back to her place. I felt awkward in her house, a house I’ve never seen before.   
She told me that if I needed to, I could stay the night. I did. She got her couch set up for me, and I felt such a burden on her, but she kept telling me that it was fine.   
It was one of the nights that I just passed out for hours. Even Kidman had trouble waking me but she found a way. 

I sat on her couch, my hair a mess and my body feeling as if it could go limp. She came into the living room and sat down before handing me the cup of coffee.   
“Do you just come to work after something like this…? When your feeling so crappy, but you go to work anyways?” She asked. I nodded slowly, taking a sip of the coffee.   
“Work sometimes helps.”  
“But.. He’s there…” She muttered. I sighed and looked into the cup and nodded.   
“I know… Half the time I don’t know if I want to hate him for making me love him, or if I want to just hug him and hope that it never ends…” I muttered.   
Kidman nodded slowly.   
“Why don’t you tell him?”  
“And get my heart ripped out of my chest and thrown to the ground just to be stepped on over and over? I’m not risking that… I don’t know what I’d do if I did…” She looked at me worriedly.   
“What do you write in your book?” She asked slowly. I huffed.   
“Everything… From clues to crappy drawings, to everything my heart feels.” I said, taking a drink.   
She nodded before standing.   
“We… should head to work. I think you should at least tell him… Even talk to him. Have you talked to him since you went in and rushed outside of the station?”  
I lightly shook my head.   
She sighed.   
“Talk to him today. Please? It might help you. I’m not asking you to tell him straight up that you love him, just… Talk to him.” She said, before walking into the kitchen. I stared into the cup and sighed heavily. I stood and went to the bathroom and got myself slightly situated. The best I could do without being home. 

Kidman drove me to work and told me before we went in, that if I needed to, I could go to her and cry. I thanked her before we went in.   
Like an every day boss, Sebastian was in his office. Kidman went to her desk and I went to mine. Soon, Myra went into Sebastian’s office and I hated that fact. If they see each other all the time at home, why does she have to be so clingy to him at work? It’s a workplace after all.   
Quickly, Myra left his office and went to me.   
“He wants to talk to you.”   
“Tell him he’ll have to come get me if he wants to talk to me.” I said, looking up at her.   
“I heard you, and I need to talk to you.” I heard his voice and I mentally panicked. He was there, leaning against the doorframe to his office. I sighed gravely and stood. Kidman gave me a reassuring look, before I went into his office.   
He sat me in the chair in front of his desk before sitting at the desk, and looking at me.   
I looked back at him, and felt my heart flutter.   
“What…?” I asked slowly.   
“‘It’s something I won’t be able to help with’? Joseph, what the hell? You’re my partner, partner’s help each other out, and not push them away. They don’t mouth off to each other, yeah during hard work times, but if you’ve had a fine day, why mouth off to me-”  
“I can’t… I’m depressed Sebastian. There, I said it. I’m depressed and I don’t know what to do, so if I have a crappy day, I’m sorry I mouth off to you, but sometimes you just need to don’t you?” I stated. He stared at me before sighing.   
He leaned back into his chair and looked at me.   
“You’re depressed…? Why haven’t you told me?” He asked slowly.   
“Because-” I stopped myself before I got too far.   
“Because… I’m alone. And what else are you supposed to do when you’re alone? Just fall into a happy life? No… You fall into depression….” He looked at me carefully before he stood.   
“Stand.” He stated.   
I sighed before standing. He went around his desk and hugged me. I froze slightly. He hasn’t hugged me in so long, it was a shock. My eyes wanted to water, but I said no to myself and just hugged him back.   
I buried my face into his shoulder and sighed heavily before closing my eyes.   
“I’m sorry I haven’t been the best of friend to you. I’ve been hard on you while I didn’t know that being hard on you might’ve been hurting you. I wish I could do something to help you, really and I hope you don’t fall too deep that you can’t get out.” He said, rubbing my back.   
I couldn’t help it anymore. I’ve cried to Kidman, and now I’m crying to Sebastian. I can’t believe how weak and pathetic I am…   
I started to sob into his chest, not being able to stop myself at all. I tried, but my heart told me to just cry. Sebastian kept me close and continued to rub my back, telling me it was okay to cry, but it’s not okay. I shouldn’t have told him that I’m depressed. I shouldn’t have told him at all.   
I shouldn’t have told Kidman, because she’s only going to tell those who she thinks will help but they won’t. No one will help.


	6. City Of The Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5.

It’s been a few weeks since I cried into Sebastian’s chest. I cried for two hours straight, with him simply comforting me.   
He told me to take the day off and I went home. I wrote everything in my notebook, to be honest, almost filling the entire book. My eyes hurt and were puffy and red when I looked at myself in the mirror.   
These few weeks have been so hard on me and i don’t understand why. Crying usually helps you feel better, but these days all I feel like doing is staying in bed, crying and writing what I feel. Sebastian told me that I’ve started to take my vacation days a little too much, and that soon I’d be out, and if I’m not here some days, I’d be off the force and I can’t have that happen.   
Even at work, I feel like sobbing until I don’t have anything rolling down my cheeks. Kidman’s been a bit of help, but not much. We talk a lot more, but to a point where I start crying all over again.   
I’m tempted to quit. If I can’t get anything done, then why am I still working at a job that I can’t focus on?   
Today… Today is going to be the darkest day of my life.   
And I don’t know if I’m ready for it… Or if he’s ready for it. The last page of the black notebook I have with me, I only have a time, a place and a date.   
No one else was really interested in bothering me, so I was okay to mentally prepare myself for what I wanted to do. What I need to do. What I’ve thought about for years.   
I stared at the date, the time and the place, before my eyes started to water. I sniffled hard before wiping my cheek quickly, taking away the tear that managed to escape and stood. I threw my bag over my shoulder and Kidman had caught my attention. She frowned at me as I walked passed her desk and knocked on Sebastian’s office door.   
I heard him say enter from inside, and I walked in. I set the notebook in front of him, before bowing. It somewhat Japanese tradition, especially to someone you care about or respect.   
He frowned at the notebook and picked it up, but I left before he could ask anything of me.   
I went to Kidman and bowed also.   
“I’m going away for a while, thank you for your support though. I appreciate it~” I said softly. She looked at me worriedly before nodding slowly.   
“Okay.. When will you be back?” I blinked at her and smiled with a shrug.   
“Sometime~~ bye Kidman~” I said, before leaving the station.   
“Wait!” Was all I heard from the station as I left. I went to my car and got inside. I set my bag on the seat beside me, before doing my seat belt up. Turning the car on, I pulled out of the lot of the station and drove down to my house.   
I constantly checked the time, hoping that he was reading it. He doesn’t even have to read all of it, but at least some of it.   
I pulled into my driveway and went inside. I grabbed all the shells I had for my gun, and put them in the bag. I grabbed rope, and a heavy locked box and put them in the car. I had paper, I had pens and I thought that was all I needed. I didn’t know if I’ll need the box, or the rope, I guess it’s if I chicken out.   
I drove straight to the place where I wanted to do it. I thought if I was doing the right thing, and I felt like it was the only way to get out of life. Make myself feel better, as well as everyone else feel better. 

It soon got later in the day, and I knew Sebastian must’ve gotten to the end of it by now. He’s the one to make the decision. The decision I can’t make. It was getting darker, and I decided to do it. I swallowed hard as my hand slightly shook. I took the gun in my hand. Why am I so afraid to do this…?   
I stood on the edge of the bridge, looking at the gun; emotionless. I didn’t feel anything. Why bother feeling anything when this could be my end? I took a long deep breath and closed my eyes. I could use the gun three different ways. Through the head, painless and quick. Through my mouth, also quick. Or through my chest, and plummet to my own death.   
I felt my eyes start to water even though they were closed. I felt like sobbing, this is my goodbye. This is my good night.   
I pushed the front of the gun against my chest. I opened my eyes slightly. I could see almost the entire city in front of me. The water carried out in front of me, leaving the city almost cut in two. The tall buildings towered over the little ones, leaving large lights light up the entire area.   
The window blew my hair, messing my hair up. I swallowed hard, holding back my tears but it wouldn’t help. I took the gun off the safety and took a shaky breath as I heard a car pull up. I swallowed back my sadness and closed my eyes again. The wind blew against my face, making my cry anyways. I took a heavy breath hearing the door open before shooting.   
I felt pain surge through my chest. I lost the ability to talk, due to the pain and felt dizzy. I slightly swayed back and forth. Things were getting blurry, and sounds were getting quieter.   
“Joseph!” That familiar voice…. He came… He really came… I smiled slightly before letting my body fall. The wind rushed at me, I felt agony in all my body, but my mind was finally being freed.   
Quickly, my body hit water. Everything slowly went numb, but I soon heard another splash in the water. Slowly, my eyes closed and everything went black. Flatline.


	7. Find Your Way Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6. I'm sorry, the last chapter was really depressing.. heh... It'll get better!

I slowly woke up. I wasn’t in a hospital, and I wasn’t in my own bed. My entire body ached but I kept my eyes closed. The room I was in was dead silent, all you heard was the long string of silence ringing.   
Eventually, I opened my eyes. My glasses weren’t on, so I couldn’t really see much, but I looked around the best I could. On the side table, were my glasses, or a pair of glasses and I went to lift my arm, but it just ached my chest more.   
I groaned slightly and put my arm back down. The sound of a door opening pulled my attention to it. Two tall figures stood there, male and female and I slowly closed my eyes again.   
I heard heels walk over, the woman. She gently touched my hand and I slowly opened my eyes to her. She reached over and grabbed a pair of glasses before carefully putting them on. Kidman. She had such a worried expression on her face.   
“I didn’t think you’d take it that far, Joseph…” She muttered. I sighed slightly and closed my eyes.   
“I’m sorry…. But I couldn’t…” I stopped before I could finish my sentence.   
She sighed slightly before gripping my hand.   
“What you did, cracked your collarbone… Everything you’ll do, might end up hurting you more… You’ll have to be careful…” She muttered. I opened my eyes to her and sighed.   
“Great….” I said slowly.   
“Joseph… I…” She glanced to the door. I looked at it myself to see Sebastian standing there. His arms crossed, his stern yet worried face, staring at me, while leaning on the doorframe.   
He looked to Kidman, before me and left, closing the door behind him. My eyes watered.   
“Joseph,” She looked at me before pausing. She grabbed a kleenex and handed it to me.   
“Be careful..” She muttered. I swallowed hard and took my glasses off before putting the tissue on my eyes.   
“Go on…” I muttered.   
She sighed before saying what she wanted.   
“I never thought that you were so depressed to try to…. Kill yourself… I thought you were just, sad….” She muttered. I closed my eyes tight, before opening them. I took the tissue off and put my glasses back on.   
“You never know what your mind could make you do…” I muttered. “What… happened?” I said, looking over to her.   
“That’s not my place to tell you… I wasn’t there…” She said slowly. I swallowed hard.   
“It’s his, isn’t it..?” I replied.   
She nodded.   
“I know it’s gonna be hard to talk to him, but I think you should listen to him…” She said slowly.   
I nodded.   
“Tell him… to come in…” I said slowly.   
She squeezed my hand before leaving the room. I wanted to sit up so badly, but I couldn’t. I closed my eyes again, and regretted wanting to die.   
A few minutes passed before Sebastian came in. I looked at him before looking away. I felt horrible…   
“Hey…” he muttered. I nodded slowly.   
“Hi…” Sebastian took a long heavy breath before going to the side of the bed, and sat in the chair next to it.   
“Why?” He asked slowly. I glanced at him, before staring at the ceiling.   
“I don’t know…” I muttered.   
“You know exactly why… You just don’t want to tell me…” He said. I took a deep breath.   
“You read the notebook, right?” I looked to him. He paused before nodding.   
“I did…”   
“Then you know… why….” I said carefully. He stared at me before sighing and hanging his head.   
“I didn’t know… I’m sorry Joseph…” He said slowly. I shook my head.   
“You… It’s not your fault. It’s mine… I gave into you too damn easily, and I shouldn’t have, because look at you… You’re married, with a daughter. What are the chances?” I said, looking to him. He took a slow breath and looked at me himself.   
“I’m still sorry…” I nodded slowly.   
“I know…”  
“But-” I interrupted him.   
“No, my turn… what… happened? After you arrived?” I said slowly. He looked at me carefully before leaning back.   
“Well… I watched you… Shoot yourself, then fall. I couldn't risk losing you, after what I learnt, also, your my partner. I went in after you, and brought you to the closest shore… I physically brought you to a hospital, where they… Treated you for a little, before allowing me to bring you some place else.” He stated. I frowned.   
“A coma?”   
Sebastian shook his head.   
“No. You kept waking up at times to mutter things, but after a few minutes, you’d fall asleep again…”   
I looked at him and nodded slowly.   
“What… did I mutter?”   
“A mix of random things…” Sebastian stood and started to walk around the room. He’s either genuinely concerned, or I said something I’m regretting now.   
“From… things back at home, with your father and grandfather… to, things happening now…” He went to the other side of me and looked down to me.   
I swallowed hard and stared in front of me. I didn’t want to look him in the eyes, because I could’ve said something bad about Myra, and I know how much he cares for her.   
“Joseph. Look at me.” He stated. I glanced at him, but only for a second. I heard him huff and he turned my head to face him.   
“Whatever your thinking your wrong. What I’m going to say is probably right, okay?” He stated. I nodded slowly.   
He nodded once before sitting on the bed.   
“I obviously read through your notebook, you wouldn’t have given it to me otherwise… I…. I didn’t know you had… those strong feelings for me… I did know that you weren’t fond of Myra from the day I first met you… But I didn’t think you’d… want to be in Myra’s place sometimes…”  
“Sebastian-”  
“Shut up and listen to me for once okay?” He said, looking at me.   
I frowned and nodded slowly. He nodded once before continuing.   
“The day you sobbed… And I told you to go home, I didn’t trust leaving you alone, but to be honest, I’m really grateful I saw you again after that. I feared… you do something like you did a few days ago, but you didn’t. When you came back, I wanted to help you, but you put up such a good act that you were okay that… I was stupid enough to believe you…” I stayed silent, like he wanted me to.  
He looked to me and sighed.   
“I’m an idiot… We all know that, M-... We all know that. I should’ve acted when I had the chance, so many years back, but I was stupid and believed it was nothing.” I looked at him and frowned.   
“What are you implying?” I asked slowly.   
He glanced to me before taking a long deep breath.   
“Let’s just put it… I gave you a few days off because I wasn’t just worried about your work…” I frowned and struggled to sit up, but the pain got the best of me and I stayed on my back.   
“Sebastian…”  
He looked at me and stood.   
“Tell me if I’m being too… irrational…” He stated, before leaning over me. I took a quick breath in, and held my breath. I had no idea what was happening, but the moment his lips touched mine, my heart raced. I froze in place, my eyes staring at him, my jaw tightened, and my body frozen. When he pulled away I continued to stare in front of me, forgetting to even breath.   
“Joseph…” He gently slapped my cheek, pulling me out of the faze. I took a deep breath and blushed. Closing my eyes I swallowed hard and put a hand over my face.   
“Sebastian… Please tell me you didn’t do that because you thought it would make things better…”   
“No…” I looked to him quickly, blushing.   
“You did it because….?”   
“Because I’m an idiot who realizes too late…” I couldn't bare to hear that. My heart sank for some reason when it should've lifted. My eyes started to water and I put a hand over my face.  
“You're not an idiot….”   
“I can be. An’.... I'm an idiot for bringing you pain, you watched and suffered, slowly what probably felt like dying… that's probably why you did it and I am so sorry….” I closed my eyes.  
“This is too much….” I muttered. He fell silent after that.   
“I’m sorry, Joseph…” My heart throbbed and I felt a burning sensation behind my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, and I didn’t know why I was about to cry. I felt sick. I felt like curling into a ball so no one could hurt me. But I’m not able to. That’d show him that I can’t handle him.   
I heard him stand and I felt fear. I moved my arm from my eyes.   
“Don’t go,” I muttered. “Please don’t go…” He paused and looked at me. His eyes showed worry.   
“Joseph…” He mumbled, before going back to the bed.   
“You can push me away if I’m too much for you… You can fight with me and keep me away from you for as long as you need.” He stated. My eyes started to water.   
“Please, don’t say that… I just… I love you…. And I don’t know how to handle it… I tried different things, but nothing worked… I don’t know how I’m gonna keep going when I see you at work… I don’t know how I’m going to get up every day to see you with…” I stopped myself, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks.   
Sebastian frowned and sat down beside the bed. He moved the chair closer, and gently took my hand. 

It was becoming too much…..


End file.
